


Applesauce for Eye of Newt

by EscapingArtist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Hogwarts, One Shot, Potions, Potions Class, Vegan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24278446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingArtist/pseuds/EscapingArtist
Summary: “Miss Lovegood” Snape drawled “If you insist on auditing my classes then I must demand that you don’t interrupt with inane comments about the merits of…” he spat out the word as if it tasted foul “applesauce.”“But’s its true” she said simply “The properties in applesauce, specifically the trace amounts of arsenic, lead it to be a nearly direct 1-1 substitute for newt eyes.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	Applesauce for Eye of Newt

**Author's Note:**

> A conversation about whether there were vegan alternatives for wand cores and potions ingredients led to....this. GeekieBeekie this one is for you

“And of course. For the potion to take its full effect you must harvest the newt eyes fresh. This is why potions is not for the faint of heart, but a true master can be the bringer of death without flinching. After all…”

“You could just use applesauce.”

Snape’s head whipped around and he searched the class for the intruder. Near the back he saw a blond looking at him with dreamy eyes. “Miss Lovegood” he hissed “Are you aware that this is double potions for the Gryffindors and Slytherins? May I remind you that you are a Ravenclaw.”

“Oh I know” she said, smiling sweetly “I have a free period and I was drawn here. There seemed to be an unusal cluster of humdingers headed this way and that always indicates an instructive learning experience.”

Every student was looking at her now. Ron shook his head “Bloody metal that one, can you imagine coming down to potions for fun.” Hermione hushed him and looked nervously between Luna and Snape, whose jaw was nearly twitching with how hard he was clenching.

“Professor” Luna said with surprise “You can go an impressively long time without blinking. I’ve read that is the mark of a truly compassionate personality.” Nearly half the class had a coughing fit to cover up their laughter.

“Miss Lovegood” Snape drawled “If you insist on auditing my classes then I must demand that you don’t interrupt with inane comments about the merits of…” he spat out the word as if it tasted foul “applesauce.”

“But’s its true” she said simply “The properties in applesauce, specifically the trace amounts of arsenic, lead it to be a nearly direct 1-1 substitute for newt eyes. Plus, the textures are similar so it doesn’t change the potion compound.”

More then one student was looking a little queasy at the direction the conversation had taken, but Harry was watching with the same delight he showed at a Quidditch match. “I swear to Merlin” he whispered to Ron and Hermione “if she bests him I am naming my first daughter after her.” Ron snorted and Hermione rolled her eyes.

“I’d be happy to show you Professor, if you’d like” Luna was saying and everyone held their breath. Snape eyed the class, clearly weighing whether he’d lose more respect dismissing the blond or allowing her to fail in front of everyone.

“If you insist” he said with a slight snarl “On making a fool of yourself in front of your fellow students. Then who am to stop you?” He indicated the cauldron and Luna floated up to the front of the room, smiling delightedly at him.

“Thank you Professor” she said. Reaching into her bag she began pulling out a series of small jars. “Now” she said pleasantly “As you see for animal-based ingredients this recipe calls for eye of newt, ashwinder eggs and salamander blood.” She began to pick and choose from her bottles. “As I already mentioned applesauce can be a 1-1 substitute for eye of newt.” She ladled in a large dollop. “Ashwinder eggs is even easier! Surprisingly, flaxseed with just a splash of vinegar gives nearly identical results.” She sprinkled in the seeds while she talked. “Finally, salamander blood takes a little more work. You have to have distilled pomegranate juice, the color is critical as I’m sure Professor Snape would tell you, then some lemon juice and finally just a small bit of powdered seaweed.” She ladled some of the potion into a vial and stepped back from the table, holding it out to Professor Snape.

“As _imaginative_ as that is Miss Lovegood it is quite impossible for it to…” he paused and his sallow face got slightly paler. He took the vial and held it up to the light, swirling the liquid inside. Removing the stopper he sniffed suspiciously and the class could see one eye start to twitch. “That is all class dismissed” he said abruptly and swept out of the dungeons in a swirl of black cloak.

For 2.5 seconds there was absolute silence in the dungeon, and then the Gryffindors shouted and took up a chant of “Luna, Luna, Luna.” The Slytherins, although they didn’t join in the chanting, did look at the Ravenclaw with a gleam of new respect.

Picking up Luna, they paraded her out of classroom. She smiled delightedly down at the students surrounding her “Oh I am so glad that you feel as strongly about vegan potion ingredients as I do. I think it is something shamefully overlooked in the wizarding world as a whole.” Whatever else she had to say was drowned out by the noise bouncing off the stone walls of the castle.

**

As Ron, Hermione and Harry were heading to dinner that night they saw Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey with their heads bent close together, walking quickly towards the infirmary. “Now Professor” Pomfrey was saying “I’m not trying to gossip mind you but I just feel that this is something I need your advice on. Severus came in this afternoon looking paler then a ghost on a full moon. He’s been there for an hour and keeps mumbling something about applesauce.”

Harry looked like Christmas had come early. “Yes,” he said “Luna is a lovely name for a little girl.”


End file.
